• Miss Mackenzee

The Benefits of BDSM by Lady Pim


Let me preface this article with the fact that I had nagging impostor syndrome when confronted with the task of writing about kink and mental health. Yes, I work Professionally in the field of BDSM, but I've never seen myself as an authority. This is because I never stop learning, and I never planning on stopping. But also, mental health is more about the process than a goal. And to say that I no longer struggle because I'm a Dominatrix, is an outright lie. This article is written from where I'm at today, and it includes what I've learned, and the experiences I've accumulated from both sides of the slash. Take the parts that you connect with or find inspiration in, and leave the rest.


That said, I have a deep relationship with kink. For me, kink is a gateway to creating stronger

connections with each other, learning general wellness techniques, and diving into profound self

reflection. As a Facilitator, I find myself using kink to heal, soothe, and comfort. I often see myself as a guide, helping like minded folks on their journey to investigate emotional blocks, confront past demons, and take leaps of faith. A big part of what I do, is hold space for people to authentically express themselves without the presence of shame or judgement. Which may be surprising to some.


There are so many physical ways to express kink, but what I'm truly passionate about is the motivation and emotion behind it. Before I engage in a kink scene with a client, I want to know how they want to feel. The kinks people choose to play with (or the kinks they are innately drawn to) are sometimes linked to something they are craving in their everyday lives. I want to know how they came across these kinks, and why they piqued their interest. Are they related to a specific experience they had, the media they were exposed to, their culture, their household, or their religion? You can do this introspection with a partner (or partners) as a precursor to a kink scene, or by yourself, or with anyone who wants to serve as a sounding board (including, most importantly, a mental health professional).


I'll use my own experiences with bottoming as an example. I'm a perfectionist; always have been. The favourite child, the gifted student, the girlfriend parents love to have over for dinner. And as a result of this constant pressure to present this way, I have a communication block when expressing "negative" emotions. Playing with this nuance in kink scenes can look lots of different ways. Here are a few I've found that work for me:


~Ultimatums. Essentially, the Dom(me) presents you with two options, and you have to choose one. It could be a choice between two implements, two holes, two positions, or it could be as simple as choosing to continue what you're doing or begin a new activity. Why this is helpful to me, is because it "forces" me (consensually, of course) to communicate my needs/desires/wants in the moment. This is something I have difficulty with in my regular life. Every time I do a scene like this, it normalizes verbalizing my needs.


~Positive Reinforcement. Being called "bad" is a hard limit for me. What this often looks like in a scene, is that I'm called "good" a lot. This soothes my soul. It's all I want in life. Not only to be a good slut or a good f*ck toy for my Dom(me), but to be a good person, and a good partner. Using positive reinforcement during kink play contributes to my overall outlook on how I view myself. And being call "good" in a scene from someone I admire and love, is very impactful for me.


~Crying. Some folks might think that something is "wrong" when crying happens during play. This is not the case for some kinksters, myself included. For me, crying usually comes as a result of breaking down walls that I've built up long ago, and maintain everyday (even though, as I said, I'm working on it). I often feel tears well up when I say what I really want, or how I really feel. It's such a relief for me to cry, and it feels so good to be messy, raw, and emotional for once. And the extra element of being accepted and embraced as I do so, is deeply meaningful to me.


Another common way of healing mental/emotional blocks through kink is through role play. One theory is that the taboo (and taboos are subjective) kinks that intrigue us, are our way of exploring and expressing the fears we have surrounding them. For instance, a scene that involves consensual non-consent play (or CNC), where the players add a manufactured element of reluctance, resignment, or protestation. Now, whether this desire is originated in an actual traumatic event or a more generalized fear, bringing elements of CNC into a scene can feel immensely therapeutic. Needless to say, playing with kinks that are linked to trauma of any kind, must be dealt with the utmost of care. I would never recommend jumping into a scene like this without a facilitator who is experienced in trauma responses. Please remember that emotionally edgy types of play can be just as dangerous (or more so) as physically risky ones.


That said, there can be benefits to playing out consensual scenes that involve people, places,

implements, words, phrases, even things as subtle as tones of voice, that have negative associations in our minds. This is because, when we create safe spaces to explore these scenes, and the submissive/bottom has complete control over where the narrative goes, it allows them to change what happens. They have the control this time. They have the power. Not these objects/smells/words, or whatever it may be. I'll point out here that trauma work is best done by a team of professionals, and approached by a variety of different angles and schools of thought. Exploring trauma through kink is just one of the tools in your mental health toolbox. Please do not dump your therapist for a Dominatrix.


That said, there are lots of folks whose kinky play doesn't involve exploring trauma, and that's equally as valid. Sexuality is an important part our identities. Connecting with our bodies and our pleasure on a regular basis is therapeutic in it's own right, and plays a huge role when it comes to maintaining life balance. Especially important is finding time to express our kinks, I find, because of the stigma surrounding them. Every time someone gets up the courage to book my services as a Dominatrix, I consider it a radical, rebellious, and revolutionary act. I'm often the person that people reveal their deepest, darkest secrets to. So, I have intimate knowledge of the journeys folks can go on when they learn to shed their internal judgments, and embrace the pursuit of pleasure.


But, what if I can't afford a Dominatrix? Or have no play partner in my life? Not only can you interact with like minded people on social media, attend munches or workshops, or find folks at kink themed performances and events, but many folks don't realize that you can practice some kinks completely alone, within the confines of your bedroom. Here are a couple suggestions:


~Self Tying. If you're new to rope, throw on a YouTube tutorial. You'd be amazed at how the sensations of partnered rope bondage can be translated to self tying. Take your time, don't forget to breathe, and observe how the rope makes you look, or feel. Personally, self tying has helped me with my body image. I would take pictures of my legs (which I sometimes have negative feelings about), and admire how they look in a futo. A safety tip: You should always have a pair of safety scissors handy, and shouldn't tie beyond your skill level (self suspensions are only for folks who have hundreds of hours of experience).


~Solo Sensation Play. Get out your nipple clamps, your wartenberg wheel, and your ball gag, and embark on a journey of self discovery and pleasure mapping. Ask yourself: are my favourites still my favourites? How are these sensations similar or different to using them with a partner? Am I lingering on a particular activity longer than I do when someone else is in the room? Did any of this information surprise me? Solo sensation play can be a great way to check in with our bodies about the way we practice our kinks. Great kink experiences start with self knowledge and awareness, so I advise checking in with yourself like this on a regular basis.


~Dressing Up. For some kinksters, dressing up plays a huge role in expressing themselves. And if

you're home alone, there is nothing stopping you from wearing your maid outfit or puppy tail around the apartment. Do you feel connected to your sissy self wearing pantyhose or women's underwear? Do you feel Dominant wearing leather or latex? Perhaps a diaper and onesie is up your alley. Whatever your kinky outfit of choice, solo time is always a great time to experiment with wearing these "taboo" items. Practicing kink on a regular basis can also help us define and enforce personal boundaries. Most experienced kinksters are well versed in negotiation and the ongoing conversations around consent, and submersing yourself in this vocabulary can be very beneficial, not only to the way you play with kink, but also in the way you conduct your relationships. I have found, that folks who have good consent practices in the bedroom, tend to be understanding of the boundaries outside of it as well.


In my experience, even in vanilla relationships, including elements of "protocol" can be very beneficial. "Protocol" or "rituals" are mutually beneficial rules which help structure and define D/s

(Dominant/submissive) relationships. This may include honorifics, the way you greet/leave each other, or the way you conduct your D/s in public. But all these little connective moments can happen in non-kinky or platonic ways as well. Have you ever been in a situation where your friend is indicating that they need to be "saved" from a conversation? That's undefined protocol. Are you familiar with the unsaid rule in a household that states the person that makes the meal, does not do the dishes? Underlying protocol. Do you look forward to watching a movie together with your partner Sunday night? Protocol. Now, imagine that these little moments were sprinkled all throughout your relationships, but that you got the chance to custom create them with the other person, so that you both benefited from them in your own unique way. You can even check in about them regularly, and they can change and evolve depending on how they're working for both of you. This is what I've learned from kink. I've been able to co-create these little ways of showing that I care, or feeling that I'm cared for, with my friends, partners, and family. All the way from offering my best friend tea when she comes over, to being "tucked in" every

night by my husband, to having a scheduled weekly check in with my mom. Not only am I privy to what the people in my life really need from me, but I've been able to define for myself, what I really need from them. That's the true intention of protocol.


Maintaining boundaries is important, even with your relationship to media. I can say that in my work as a Dominatrix, I come up against this every day. I don't have the emotional bandwidth to be available to everyone on my multiple social media feeds, twenty four hours of the day; and even if I did, I wouldn't want to. It's vital to our mental health to recognize when it's time to turn off the news, or other stressful media. Nowadays, it's so important to develop healthy boundaries around your phone, and the people trying to contact you through it. As a Domme, it's the most common reason I will block someone. Doing online sex work has taught me to ask my friend if she has the "emotional spoons" before I start unloading a rant on her. To ask if a person is ready to receive my nudes. To include content warnings on my social media posts. To feel okay messaging, "I will get back to you about this when I have a free moment." To ask for my new partners' boundaries surrounding virtual contact. All of these things, I wasn't nearly as adept at before being a regularly practicing kinkster.


To finish, I want to reiterate that I don't have all the answers. But, I hope to pass along some of the knowledge and experience that I do have surrounding kink and mental health. Please remember that the best way to learn, is to take the same class from several different facilitators. Not many classes from one. I truly hope that some of this has been helpful to you, and that whatever you took away, can contribute to the other meaningful things people have said to you along the way.


Twitter: @TheLadyPim1

IG: @pim.lady

ladypim@protonmail