Contemplation of a Mistress's Duality

My style of play and how I move within the kink world is rooted deeply in the psychological, especially since I do hypnosis often. The mind is our most powerful organ and I enjoy tinkering and toying with it. For My personal play partners, it is much easier to have more contact with them to talk about our shared experiences and letting them know I still care. There’s cuddling afterwards, gentle words exchanged, and the knowledge that there is some form of love and care involved. This allows Me to be unbridled in My sadism, knowing that we will share tender moments as well. As a lifestyle Mistress, it’s incredibly important to Me to have this balance; to be able to go from the nurturing Mommy Dom to the strict Domme of your nightmares.

When it comes to being a Professional, it causes Me to stop and think because sometimes I may not hear from someone for days, weeks, months, or maybe even ever because we are both busy individuals or even because someone was just wanting to cross something off their bucket list. Yes, this happens. In those cases, I deal with not having a conversation afterwards regarding our time together, such as what worked or didn’t work, what was really enjoyable, were there any feelings that came up unexpectedly, mental triggers, was it cathartic for them, etc. There is also minimal aftercare in those situations which is important to Me to have, even in My professional life. Don’t get Me wrong, I do have a lot of regulars that I keep in contact with outside of session time and I value those connections very much. But it is difficult because 80% of the time with clients, I don’t have their number, emails get blocked or Fetlife accounts are deactivated until they are ready to session again. I understand that some clients pay to not have a personal relationship. They get their needs met, indulge in a fantasy or fetish with someone who can be trusted and then they go about their life with no strings attached. I have been doing this a very long time so I’m not naive to the fact that relationships with My personal play partners are vastly different than My professional client relationships. As much as I love My clients, I do keep some amount of emotional distance so there isn't a high level of transference. This leads to some internal debate. One of the types of play I engage in where this feels most prevalent is humiliation. Let Me just say that I love humiliation. Consensual, of course. But at some point, I feel a moral dilemma, which at times has led Me to setting boundaries with certain types of degradation that I will no longer participate in. It is extremely important knowing that My clients or play partners are safe and taken care of. I consider Myself a healer and an empath so I am very much in touch with energy and how it is perceived. How does this then play into the bully attitude and being a sadist because honestly, I want to hurt boys and be a Financial Dominant. Consensual losers are usually arrogant douchebags in their everyday life, outside of kink. I want to take them down a notch by humiliating them. I want to see them on their knees, begging Me to ruin them while handing over their money and saying “thank you Mistress.” It’s a delicate balance between giving them what they want, getting what I want out of a scene or a play partnership, and also trying to make them a better person. It’s a battle in My head that I have had pretty frequently. Part of it is that the type of play I do and how far I can go with humiliation/degradation can be a huge mindfuck. The two sides of My Dominance, sadist and nurturer/protector, will always exist and keep this tug-of-war going. My question is, how do you stay true to the different parts of yourself without one overtaking the other?